


the lighthouse

by academmia



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous Logince, Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Morally Neutral Deceit | Janus Sanders, Past Gaslighting, he needs a hug you guys, post pof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27705233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/academmia/pseuds/academmia
Summary: After the wedding, Roman doesn’t know how to feel about Janus. Janus made him feel so tiny during the wedding, but after everything, he’s kind and understanding. Roman feels like he’s going crazy like he made everything up. His memory is betraying him, and the only person who can see through all the lies is Logan, but Roman is terrified to hear what he’ll say.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 9
Kudos: 68





	the lighthouse

**Author's Note:**

> i am going to be posting a bunch because I wanna get my stuff on ao3! Tumblr masterlists are a bitch! hope you enjoy this ao3 elite!

After the wedding, Roman doesn’t know how to feel about Janus. Janus made him feel so tiny during the wedding, but after everything he’s kind and understanding. Roman feels like he’s going crazy, like he made everything up. His memory is betraying him, and the only person who can see through all the lies is Logan, but Roman is terrified to hear what he’ll say. 

Lately, Roman has been feeling like he’s going crazy. 

Everyone else is okay. Remus is joining discussions, throwing ideas out a pace that leaves Roman in shock. He gets along with the other sides surprisingly well, better than roman ever did. He eats lunch with Patton and annoyed Virgil enough to the point where he just gave in. Roman’s caught Virgil having fun with Remus. He and Logan talk science late night as Remus eats deodorant. He gets along with Janus with the kind of ease that leaves Roman with an emotional cocktail of shock, envy, and rage. 

Logan’s Logan. Roman knows he’s not 100% Gucci but Roman notices how he relaxes a little bit more every time Patton asks for Logan’s input. He’s stopped using the lowdowns and ventures out into the common rooms a little bit more now. Roman’s glad he’s happier. Logan deserves it. 

Patton’s okay too. His smile is a little less bright but it looks a little more real. He and Virgil seem to be good again. The small touches they share slide back into Roman’s view. Patton has Janus to help him, to pick him up when he falters, hold his hand when it gets hard. He never did that for Roman. Patton makes more jokes and puns and starts throwing himself over everyone like he used to. Touch is Patton’s love language he supposes. 

Virgil is the most surprising, after all the hissing and shouting and glares he would have thought Virgil would loathe Janus. Virgil would remember, right? But instead, he and Janus reach a hesitant truce. The screaming stops. Their arguing turns into bantering and the two of them seem even happy to have each other back. He’s even caught the two of them cuddling on the couch(although Janus denies it) 

Janus is the most confusing. He smiles at Roman in the mornings and makes him coffee. He laughs with the other sides and goes to movie nights. He doesn’t impersonate anyone. Little trinkets are left outside Roman’s room and it doesn’t take long to find where they’re from. Janus stops with the flattery and the mind games, and it’s so fucking natural. He looks hurt when Roman flinches away and when Roman goes to open his mouth to explain why he doesn’t 

He just apologizes and laughs it off. 

Because if no one has any issues with Janus, then Roman must be wrong. it’s like it never happened as if he was never a puppet hanging from tight slimy strings destroying everything for sickly sweet praise as if everything that went down with Janus is just another one of Roman’s overreactions. Like he just imagined it all. 

He doesn’t understand, he never does these days.

Roman doesn’t know what’s real and what’s a lie. Before the wedding, before they got that stupid callback everything felt clear and bright like a warm sunny day. Now he can’t right from left, up from down, the fog is so thick he can’t see anything else. It reaches into his lungs and chokes him, clouds his eyes, and makes his brain incoherent. Weak and Frail, locked in a tower, just like the people he’s always claimed to save.

And after the wedding, the things that have always been an anchor to reality have been stolen right before his eyes. His identity, his sense of right and wrong have disappeared. When he hangs out with the others he wants to grab them by their shoulders and shake them until they confess what the hell is really going on. He doesn’t understand how ok there are. What is happening to him? 

He can’t sleep anymore. The shadows seem to creep and crawl, forming shadows of the demons lurking under the bed. They aren’t real, but the things that Roman thought were real aren’t, so does he even know anymore? He hasn’t gotten a good night of sleep in over 2 weeks. No one notices. Janus always has a morning story to tell. Logan seemed to be concerned but Roman thinks that’s just what he wants to see. 

When he’s around Logan everything feels less foggy. Lies and mirages don’t last in his presence. Logan is like a lighthouse, beaming pulsing light out into the blinding fog. But Roman is so terrified to talk to him. Because if Logan thinks he’s crazy than that makes it real. It never happened, Janus never did anything, and Roman is such a coward. He can’t hear him say that he just can’t. 

But he’s not sure if he can keep doing this anymore. His ideas are running out and the disappointed looks Patton and Virgil share are getting more frequent. They’re starting to go to Remus first for ideas. Roman is slipping. He trips and he stutters and gets far too close to crying. The question is not if he will crack, it’s when he will crack. The fall of the Roman empire. 

The day Roman cracks is a Thursday. He’s come out of his room at 11 pm, too tired to commit to his 6 am alarm. He’s tired and sluggish, only wanting to come out for the false comfort of normalcy, trying to pretend that he’s the same old Prince who worked for hours on end to give Thomas his career. 

Janus is there, standing by himself without the cloak or ridiculous 1920s bowler hat, clad in plaid pajamas. He gives Roman a small smile, no trace of allure, or hidden intentions. He seems happy to see Roman. But that’s crazy-it’s crazy because Janus was never like that, he wasn’t right. 

He doesn’t want to play another game. He doesn’t even know what the rules are. Back when Janus first swapped out his cloak and cane for a cardigan and light blue polo Roman loved the thrill. Janus matched his drama, his flair, playing with him was like waltzing across a dance floor in the dark. Even when they were thrown into court Roman still saw it as a game. What a fool.

Roman is perfectly content to ignore him but Janus has other plans. Like he always does. Damn it-he always does that Janus, that’s who he is right? 

Janus looks Roman up and down with scrutiny. Roman feels small again. He hasn't’ felt like this for years. 

“Hello, Roman,” 

“Hey, Janus,” 

_Don’t break eye contact, don’t move, don’t even breathe._

“Can we talk?” He asks. 

“About what?” Roman chokes out, failing to keep his voice level

“Are you ok Roman?” Janus says. 

It’s the first time anyone’s asked in months. Roman’s been wanting to hear it for weeks and yet… This is the last person he wants to ask. All that’s there is genuine concern, Roman’s spent enough time around Janus to figure that out. He searches his eyes for any trace of malice, of manipulation, or hidden agendas but there is nothing in his big brown eyes. 

_Roman’s always wondered what it feels like to break. Now he knows. Struggling is being able to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Breaking is not being able to see it. And it is so, so dark._

“I’m not talking about this with you,” Roman snarls. He doesn’t care how kind Janus is being, he just needs to get away. The darkness is lonely. 

He has been putting off talking to Logan, he knows that. He’s always had a long list, alphabetically organized, of reasons why he shouldn’t go to Logan. Every time things got really bad he ran through the reason in his head. It’s just another nail in the coffin that Roman can’t bring himself to care anymore. Things can’t get any worse. No matter what Logan tells him, at least it will be true. 

He sinks down, out of the kitchen, ignoring Janus’ protests. 

Logan’s room is covered wall to wall in bookshelves. The floor is hard hardwood and aside from his desk and a handful of stepping stools, there aren’t any seats in the room. His bed is tucked into a wall, under yet another bookshelf. It’s cozy. 

“Hey Logan, do you have a second,” Roman says, not wanting to startle him yet not seeing any other options.” 

Logan side jumps a little, and spins his desk chair around, surprised in his eyes, “Hello Roman, I’m busy at the moment, is it important.”

Yes, “No not particularly, I was just wondering if I could ask you a question?” Please help me

Logan sighs, and meets Roman’s gaze, “Fine, what would you like to ask?” 

“Is this…real?”

Logan rolls his eyes, “Roman I’m not in the mood for your ridiculous questions, go talk to Virgil if you wanna get existential,” 

Logan goes to turn around, and Roman has to do something before the one light left shuts off, “No-please I’m sorry I just,” 

He’s so stupid. What was he thinking coming here, annoying Logan with the fact that he can’t just be OK. Or the fact that he’s drowning in memories that he isn’t even sure is real. Roman is so tired and he just wants a hug and for someone to figure out the problems for him. He’s tired of trying to connect dots, fake a smile, be the hero Thomas needs when that isn’t even his job anymore. 

“Yes, Roman,” Logan says gently, and Logan’s gentleness isn’t soft like Janus’ or Patton’s is. Logan’s gentleness is ground and solid and Roman reaches for it, “This is real. You are real, we’re both in my room, and it’s a Thursday,” 

“Thanks,” He says. Involuntarily, his hand reaches out for Logan, and he tries to jerk it back before rejection. 

Instead, Logan threads his fingers through Roman’s fingers and squeezes, “Don’t forget to breathe Roman” 

Roman nods, and he tries, but it’s hard. The fog is there, and whenever he tries to suck in air, everything gets blurry. Logan notices him struggling and moves forward, bumping their foreheads together. Logan gets rumbles as he takes a deep slow breath and silently encourages Logan to copy him. Soon Roman gets it, and the two of them stand there, not speaking as Logan’s light seems to spill into Roman and he can start to see again. 

Logan leads him to the bed, sits him down, crossing his legs and turning to face Roman. He glances at Roman, and Roman can see the equations going through his head.

Before Logan can ask he says, “Is Janus…good?” 

Logan’s brows furrow, “Roman it’s not that simple,” 

Roman laughs, even though it isn’t funny, “Yeah I know. Everything is complex, nothing is black and white, the world isn’t heroes and villains, I need to understand that, Janus is trying to help Thomas, and I need to get over my feelings and these stupid memories I don’t even understand-” 

Before he can finish, Logan shushes him and Roman’s jaw snaps shut with a click. 

“That is not what I meant Roman,” Logan says firmly, “What I meant is just because it is true that Janus has been crucial to helping Thomas does not mean how you’re feeling is wrong or fake. Janus is a very complex side, and quite honestly I would describe him as morally gray. He wants to do the right thing and he would do anything to get there, regardless of the impact.” 

_The impact: as in how he almost destroyed Roman and Roman still thinks he’s the crazy one._

Roman looks away, “If I tell you something, will you promise not to call me stupid?” 

Logan squeezes his hand again, “I will never make fun of you for having feelings, Roman.” 

“Promise?” 

“I promise,” 

Roman takes a shaky breath, “Janus makes me feel weird. Like, during the court scene he flirted with me and made me do things and made me feel less certain of myself. And now he’s so nice and I feel wrong. He’s not doing any of that anymore, so did he ever really do that in the first place? Or am I just crazy?” Roman’s voice breaks again and he pulls at his hair, “I don’t feel like me anymore and I’m so scared all of the time, I feel like I’m losing it,”

Roman thought that confessing his feelings would feel good. It doesn’t. He just feels like everything has been pulled out of his chest, the fog, and the feelings. The good and the bad. 

“Roman, look at me,” Logan says. 

Roman shakes his head, already sick of being this vulnerable. This is the moment when Logic decides if everything he’s been terrified of for months is real. If it’s all in his head and he’s not strong enough to hear it. 

But when Logan’s finger hooks under his chin, pointing it up, he doesn’t pull away. Logan’s eyes are warm and determined, and through the blur of tears, Roman can see a small frown on his face. 

“Roman, whatever he did to you, It’s real. And just because Janus is treating you right now, doesn’t mean that you weren’t hurt. And from what you’ve told me, you’ve been gaslit, regardless of it was intentional or not. You aren’t crazy. You aren’t evil. You aren’t overreacting. You don’t need to be ok with this, even if the rest of us are. If you need more time to heal and adjust, that’s ok. You could go your entire life without being comfortable with Janus and that would be fine too. You’re safe,” 

And then finally after being in a dilapidated boat, lost at sea, surrounded by thick choking fog, unable to see two feet in front of him, just trying to stay alive, Roman finally sees them. the blinding bright strobe lights coming from the edge of an island. A lighthouse, lighting his way and Roman paddles toward it, pushing through fog and currents until finally, he’s back onshore. Suddenly, Roman can see everything. It’s so clear, Roman almost cries. 

“Thank you” He chokes out, overwhelmed by relief. 

“You’re welcome,” Logan says. He squeezes Roman’s hand. Roman squeezes back. 

He’s not crazy. He’s not wrong. His brain isn’t betraying him. He’s just a person, scarred and bruised, crawling towards the light, and that’s the best any of them can do. 

**Author's Note:**

> come scream at me on tumblr @thefingergunsgirl 
> 
> comments rock my world, any interaction you would be so generous to offer makes my day


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